Dad- No- REALLY???? You said WHAT???

From my daughter to me on Wednesday night:

Okay this is probably stupid and not something to lose sleep over but I just can't seem to let it go. So I'm hoping if I say something I might be able to sleep.
After we got back and you left I was talking to grandpa and I asked him about Friday. He gave me a funny look and I said do you want to go walk out at the mall? He replied "I know your grandmother is going to want to go. Kirklands is having a big sale and lost their lease"

I didn't know what to say... My head was saying did we not just go through all this ? She's not a person u can take shopping..
I'm sitting there worried about staying there with them while you guys are gone and he wants to take her shopping at the mall?!?!?!

All I said was I am not taking her to the mall. And he changed the subject. I don't know why it's driving me nuts but it just keeps repeating in my head. I know grandpa doesn't want to acknowledge everything but is he really that oblivious?

She's gone. She's lost and every day I see her it's so much worse.

I just wanted to cry in the ER... I did this evening. That's not my grandmother. She's not even a normal person.... Sorry you already know all that. I just needed to tell u about grandpa and saying grandma is going to want to go to the mall
I love you and think about you every day

Me to my daughter: What gets me about that is that he knows Gma would be going to Daycare- why would he even think you would be taking her to the mall?
Probably when you said that, he had the Kirklands thing on his mind and was thinking- sure, yeah, Gma would like to do that.
Probably if you had said- "No Gpa- AFTER we drop Gma off at daycare" it would have brought him back to reality. I don't know.

After we went to Wal-Mart for Valentines- he knows how difficult shopping can be with her. But old habits die hard.
He knows. He looks across the table every day at her. He knows.

My daughter to me:

There are times and things he says and does sometimes..
It's like either he doesn't know, is refusing to admit it, or just doesn't care. I don't know anymore. It's hard for me since he was my only close friend for years, and right now there are times when I really don't understand or like him.
Thank you though I do feel better about yesterday. I hope today goes much better for you guys and I'll see you tomorrow.

Friday- My daughter took Mom to Daycare and took Dad to the mall. When they got home, my daughter told me she was glad they had gone to the mall. And she said she was certain Dad wouldn’t say anything to Mom because the last time they went to the mall he indicated it wouldn’t be good to tell her- it would just upset her. My daughter was happy to spend the time with him.

 

After Dinner- I sent this to my daughter… (Gpa is my Dad, Gma is my mother)

Dinner
Gpa: I don't think I told you, Cheryl and I went to the mall today.

Gma: You went to the mall? Well I wish I had...

Gpa: Yeah- we went to the Hallmark store and saw so and so and whose it and so and so etc.

Gma: You went to the mall? Did you see so and so?

Gpa: No she wasn't there. They're closing the store on Sunday.

Gma: Why are they closing the store? Can I go see them before they close?

Gpa: No you can't.

Gma: But I want to. If I had known you were going to the mall... Why did you go?

Me: (Whispering to Gpa) To get your glasses fixed.

Gpa: To go to the Hallmark store and say goodbye to everyone.

Gma: I wanted to go. Why didn't I get to go?

Me: I sent them to get Dad’s glasses fixed.

Gma: Did you get your glasses at the Mall?

Gpa: No

Me: No, he got them right by the mall.

Gma: Well that’s not where I get my glasses! I want to go to the mall.

Gpa: You can’t.

Thanks a lot Dad!

Are We Having Fun Yet?

So today, I ended up taking my Dad to the eye doctor, out to lunch at Arby’s, to pick out a walker for Mom, picked out new glasses for Dad, and then went for an iced Mocha for Dad. (Iced tea for me please) Then to the grocery store, and then to the post office, because I forgot it was a holiday. It was supposed to rain/sleet and snow. But it didn’t. Thank You Yahweh!

My dear sweet daughter came over with two of my grandchildren to stay with Mom. I had already called the dentist office and they couldn’t see her until Tuesday. So- we lied. On the  Alzheimer’s boards they call this “therapeutic fibbing.”  Lies/fibs told to make things easier on all. I told Mom we were waiting yet to see if the dentist could see her today and told her she had to stay home with my daughter. It worked out well because she had fun with the grandkids and she got to play cards (Spite & Malice) and make origami seed pots with my daughter.

When we got to the eye doctor, I called my Dear Daughter (whose name really means ‘dear one”) and pretended I was the dentist to let her know to tell Mom her appointment would be tomorrow. Mom wasn’t upset at all- except for the fact she wanted to pick out her own walker. As it turned out- there was no choosing, it had to fit her height and with her short legs, there was only one she could actually use.

When we brought it home- she was disappointed. She thought it would have a motor…? Then we figured out she thought we were getting her a scooter. Why I have no idea. But we got her to use it a bit. Hopefully she will use it and be steadier on her feet.

I came in to my home office to do some work- I left the house at 11AM and didn’t get home until 4PM.  Mom came in to my office and asked me to remove her Medic Alert Bracelet. She said she needed a rest from it. She said it hurts and is too tight. She said it hurts her bones. She said she would put it back on at bedtime, but she really needed a break from it.

 Pickles!* (*Enter your own personal swear words here) I was so conflicted! The voices in my head were saying:

“No! You can’t take it off! It doesn’t really bother her! This is an excuse. She doesn’t want to wear it. She needs it. You can’t take it off and put it on and take it off and put it on…”

“But I don’t know if it hurts or not.  It’s possible it does hurt. Her skin looks fine and I know it’s not too tight, but maybe it would be more comfortable looser? But not too loose- I don’t want it to get caught on something. How can I possibly know if it is really bothering her? And if I take it off- will she let me put it back on?”

“You can’t play this game! She will get used to it. And its for her own safety. And you don’t need one more thing to do every day--- on-off-on-off-on-off…”

“But how do I know? What if it does hurt? How annoying is it? If I can’t believe anything she says, how will I know when things are wrong and when they are not?

“Aggh! Do I have to deal with this now?? I need to work!”

“Okay- I’ll take it off. I don’t really think this is necessary. I think you just need to get used to it. But I’ll take it off.”

“Thank you- it really does hurt and I really don’t need it and I really would never go outside on my own…”

“We don’t know that.”

“But I won’t…”

“Okay there. it’s off. I need to get back to work.”

“You seem angry.”

“Mom I just need to be alone so I can work!”

She leaves. Instead of working- I look up adult day care. The county we used to live in has Adult Day Care and and Alzheimer's unit. It is one of the places Dr. P has recommended. I will call tomorrow.

While Dad and I were gone, I tried to talk to him about pre-arranging and pre-paying funerals. He doesn’t believe that’s necessary. (Bless my in-laws! They have ALL of that taken care off!) I tried to explain what could happen if one of them was in a nursing home and one of them died. How the state might get all of the money and that would leave little or nothing for funeral arrangements, but if they were paid a head of time we would be one step ahead. He thinks his $60,000 life insurance policy (which is really $20,000) and is made out to pay to Mom will cover his funeral. (But what about Mom?) And I don’t even know if that’s true- if Mom is left the money and she is  in a nursing home under Medicaid I would think it would go to Medicaid. Another thing to ask the attorney.

He also told me if Mom goes into a nursing home, he wants to stay with us. And of course- Mom isn’t “bad enough” to be placed.

Maybe not. But I don’t know how much longer I can do this. And here comes Mr. Guilt again… Are we having fun yet???

Doing the right thing stinks

I ordered medical alert bracelets for Mom and Dad.  Mom’s was through the Alzheimer’s Association Safe Return program. Dad’s is one I ordered off of Amazon.Com because he takes warfarin (a blood thinner)

Mom’s came first, so I waited until Dad’s came in and then I gave them to both of them yesterday. Both of the bracelets were loose, so my DH had to take out links.

Mom’s was intrigued at first. She liked the idea that it had on the bracelet itself her first name, that she was hard of hearing, that she had allergies, that she has asthma and high blood pressure and that she couldn’t have an MRI (although she had forgotten why) It also has an 800 number that can be called and other medical info can be given as well as who to contact if she were to get lost.

She liked it, but after I put it on her, she said we wouldn’t wear it all the time. I told her she really needed to wear it at home and wherever she went. In other words- all the time.

I gave her her night time pills and she asked me to take off the bracelet. I told her she needed to keep it on. She wasn’t happy.

I started to get ready for bed and she followed me and insisted I take it off.

“I can’t sleep with this on. I’m not used to having things on my right wrist.”

“Would you like me to put it on your left wrist?”

“No. I have too many things on my left wrist (watch). You need to take this off so I can sleep.”

“Mom, the idea is to have it on all the time. It’s a safety precaution.”

“I don’t want it.”

“Dr. P wants you to have one.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“Its true.”

“I’m not that bad yet.”

“The idea is to wear it before you get that bad. It only takes one time for you to get confused and leave the house for you to get into trouble.”

“I won’t do that.”

“Mom, I have to leave it on.”

“Then I’ll find a way to get it off myself.”

“Mom- wearing this bracelet will keep you home and out of a nursing home longer. If you take it off I’ll have to talk to Dr. P about other alternatives”

“I didn’t know wearing a bracelet could keep you out of a nursing home. If I’d known that I’d have started wearing one years ago. (sarcasm…) Take it off!”

“No. I’m going to bed. I love you.”

“yeah right.”

So- now I’ve taken away a bit more of her autonomy and her dignity. I’ve opened up the wounds from last night.

How can doing the right thing seem to be so bad at times? This stinks.

 

Thursday Intervention

After the Thursday fall, I had gone into Mom's bathroom and had found an assortment of over the counter pain killers in her medicine cabinet.  Concerned because of her AD and how she has not been comprehending the problem of combining certain medications, I felt it was time to take all of the over the counter meds out of her medicine c cabinet except for her Tylenol arthritis. My mind was not made up as to whether or not she should keep even that in her medicine cabinet, so after giving her the Tylenol Arthritis after her fall, I placed it in the kitchen with a note saying what time I had given it to her.

I went ahead to my meeting and when I got done, I had a text message from my SS saying that "Grandma is on the rampage and wants to talk to you about her medicines."

I'm going to try to make a long story short here:

I got home and Mom didn't say a word about the medicine. Even when I asked if her head was hurting and if the Tylenol had helped. Nothing.

So before my DD and SS got ready to leave again, I went into Mom and Dad's living room and sat down and asked her how she was again. I knew we were headed for a blowup and I honestly didn't want to face it alone.

As it turns out- we ended up having a family intervention. My DH, my DD, my SS and I all talked with Mom about her disease and what we are trying to accomplish by having her live with us. Mom explained her frustration about not being able "to do anything for herself" anymore.

We pointed out that she is still able to do many things for herself. She can dress herself and pick out her own clothes. She showers by herself, she can still watch TV and read and do her Soduko. She can feed herself. She is doing her own laundry and making her own beds. She helps out in the kitchen by setting the table. She fixes her own breakfast and her own lunch. She can pray and she can talk and she can visit with people.

I explained that some things I have to do. Somethings I have to make decisions about. I can't pretend she doesn't have a problem and I can't ignore my responsibility as her daughter to take care of her.

I told her, that if it gets to the point where she will not accept my giving her medication to her as the doctors have prescribed, she will have to live in a place where she receives her medication by an RN.

My SS and DD told her over and over that we love her and that we are trying to keep her out of a nursing home. But they were also honest about how difficult is has been when she has been so nasty to us. At that point Mom cracked a hurtful "joke" and my DD said, "See Grandma- that's not funny to us. That may be funny to you- but it is hurtful to us."

I know it may not sound possible, but I think Mom got it. At least for awhile. There were lots of tears and lots of hugs.  I pray it lasts.

Okay- so...more conversation about cough medicine

Okay- so last night went fine. Mom was really tired and I had to wake her up in her chair to take her medicines. She went to bed probably around 11:00 PM and slept until 7:30 AM. Yeah! No coughing or anything! She says she felt good.

So... at 9:30 AM we had to leave for a doctor's appointment for my Dad. Mom wanted cough medicine. I told her I would give it to her at 10AM. She raised a fit and kept yelling at me even after we got in the car. I turned on the radio. She started screaming- "Okay then! Try and drown me out."

I turned off the radio.

"Mom, I will give it to you at 10AM."

"I'm going to ask your Dad's doctor if I should be able to take it."

"No- you won't. This is Dad's appointment and it is about him. If you need to see the doctor, I will take you."

I asked Mom if she had taken her inhaler.

"Yes! As soon as I got up. That just makes it easier to breathe. It doesn't help the cough."

Right before we got to the doctor's office, she took out her inhaler and took a puff on it.

"Mom, I thought you had used your inhaler."

"Yes, I did."

"You can only use it 4 times a day."

"Yes, two puffs four times a day."

Get to the clinic and ask Mom if she needs to see a doctor.

"No! I just need my cough medicine."

I pour her medicine and try to hand it to her. She just looks at me and makes no move to take it. In the mean time, Dad is getting out of the car.

"Do you want this?"

"Yes!" Grabs it out of my hand.

We go in to Dad's appointment, which went very well.

There is a coffee shop in the clinic, so they go in for a cappuccino and I get an iced tea. They sit in there and talk to the barista (my dad worked with her for a while when he worked briefly for Star Bucks)

The pharmacy is right next door so I go there and ask if there is ANY cough medicine she can take along with Mucinex. No. Nothing. Nada. And they explain why.

I go out and explain to Mom and she doesn't believe it. I ask if she would like to talk to the pharmacist. She wants to and she does, and she gets the same result. Except now in talking to the pharmacist, she decides she will take Delsym cough medicine at night (12 hour dose) and then Mucinex during the day if she needs it. Okay. Fine. Buy Delsym.

On the way home, Mom uses her inhaler two more times. Ask her again about how often she should use it. She gets mad. Decide I just need to call doctor.

10:00 PM. Take Mom's meds to her.

"I don't want that. I want my Mucinex and my Robitussin."

"you can have one of the other. But you and the pharmacist said you were going to take Delsym."

"Why won't you listen to me?"

"Do you want Delsym or Mucinex?"

"Mucinex. I'm going to write all of this down and show Dr. P. She will understand I need both!"

"Okay. Good night Mom."

Conversations with Mom

Condensed version...really!


Saturday morning I found an empty bottle of Robitussin DM on the counter. 


When I saw Mom, I asked her if it was hers and she said yes and that she needed it refilled. I really didn't think anything of it until later in the day when she asked if I had bought her some more yet. 


"Do you need it today?"


"Well, don't make a special trip, but I usually take it every night before bed."


Warning buzzer goes off in my head...

"You do? But you also take Mucinex DM at bedtime. I think they are the same drug."


"No they aren't. I take the Mucinex to break up my cough and I take the Robitussin to stop my coughing at night so I can sleep."


"I'll have to check the labels Mom."


Later:


"Mom, the two medicines are the same. You really shouldn't take both at the same time."


"THEY ARE NOT THE SAME! I need the Mucinex for long-term nighttime protection and the Robitussin to stop my cough. The Robitussin gets in the system faster because it is liquid. I ALWAYS take this. I will not overdose."

After dinner, my DH and I go to the store. He talks about buying a bottle of Robitussin and replacing the contents with red sugar water. It is tempting- but we decide thats not a good idea in case she (or someone else) really needs the Robitussin. We buy a bottle- the only one they had was sugar free. 


Come home. I reread the labels and tell Mom I can'[t give her both- she can take one or the other.


She starts yelling at me about being a nurse etc etc etc. I tell her I will call the Patient Advisory Nurse at the hospital where she worked for 40 years and ask them what they think. Mom is furious. I call anyhow.


The Patient Advisory Nurse tells me not to give both meds. 


I tell Mom. 


"You didn't talk to a real nurse! I'm a real nurse! I know more about medicine than you ever will. It's just d*mn cough medicine. Did you tell them I have asthma? Do you want me to keep your father up all night coughing?"


I walk away and at 10:00 I bring her medicine. 


"I can't believe you will not listen to me and give me my cough medicine! I'll be up all night!"


"Mom- I'm doing the best I can. I'm following the instructions given to me by a Registered Nurse. I read about it on the internet. I will give you one or the other."


She takes her pills and takes the Mucinex DM. She glares at me and when I tell her good night she says:


"It won't be a good night. Thanks for nothing."


Sunday morning I get up at 5:30 and see the light on in Mom's living room. She's coughing. Not a lot- its her normal first of the morning cough when she hacks up phlegm. I get my coffee and go in to take my shower.


At 7:00 AM Mom is in the kitchen waiting for me. She is mad- it is all written in her face and her body language.


"Did you her me last night? I coughed ALL NIGHT LONG."


" No Mom, I didn't hear you."


"Well good for you. I'm sure I kept your Dad awake all night. I finally got up at 4:00 AM and came out here. All I've done is cough. I can't sleep. Would you PLEASE give me some cough medicine!!"


"Mom, the Mucinex DM is 12 hour. You had some at 10:00 AM."


"I want it NOW!"


"Mom, I'll call the patient advisory nurse."


"Don't you call anyone? Who are you going to call? Well I hope she's a real nurse. And you tell her I'm a nurse too etc etc etc..."


I call the patient advisory nurse. I explain what is going on and that my mom has Alzheimer's and that she is a retired nurse. I put the nurse on speaker phone and she can her my mom yelling at me about the cough medicine.


Nurse: "She can't take those medicines together, especially with asthma. Is she taking her Flonase and her albuterol inhaler?"


I ask Mom.


"I take the Flonase at night. And I can't take the inhaler all the time, it's not good for my heart."


"Mom, aren't you supposed to take it 4 times a day?" 


"I take it PRN (medical speak for "as needed") I always take it before bed. I don't know why you won't just give me the cough syrup. It is just cough syrup!!! I have never over dosed on medication and I have never given anyone else the wrong dose. Is she a real nurse? Where is she at? Is she at (mom's) hospital? Does she know I'm a nurse? "




Nurse: It isn't "just cough syrup."


Nurse: Is she wheezing?"


 "I haven't heard her wheeze. Mom are you wheezing?"


"I don't know. I can't hear it if I'm wheezing."


"Can't you feel it when you're wheezing?"




Nurse: Have her take a couple of deep breaths."


"Mom, take a couple of deep breaths."


No wheezing- no coughing.


Nurse: "Tell her she can have the Robitussin DM at 10:00 AM. Her records indicate she is supposed to be taking the plain Mucinex- not the DM. Then she could have both. If she gets worse, bring her in to the ER."


"Are you documenting this?"


Nurse: "Yes, it will be in her records."


Hang up.


"Mom- you can have the Robitussin at 10AM. D (my husband) will give it to you then. I have to get ready for my job- I have a church service in just a bit."


"Go! I don't care!"


I left.


After church- at 11:30 AM I come home to find the Robitussin dose cup sitting at Mom's place at the table with the medicine still in the cup.


Mom comes out of her living room. I don't want to ask- but I have to...


"Are you feeling better?"


"No."


"Did D give you the Robitussin that is sitting here?"


"He gave me something. But I don't know if it is Robitussin. So I didn't take it! I want to see the bottle."


I get the bottle and the box.


"Mom- it is sugar free and has no added coloring or flavors. That's why it is clear and not red."


Looking at the box. "I'm not diabetic. I don't need this."


"Mom, it is the only Robitussin DM they had at the grocery store. Anyone can take it, its not just for diabetics."


Mom read the box and bottle. "I can't think straight. I'm too tired from coughing all night."


I haven't heard her cough since I got home. "Are you still coughing?"


"I don't know. I haven't tried to cough." (?????)


"Do you want to see a doctor?"


"No, I just needed my cough medicine."


"Are you going to take it now?"


"I don't know. (pout) I haven't decided.


"If you take it, I need to know what time you took it."


"Why? Its just cough medicine!"

"Just let me know, okay? If its still sitting here in an hour, I'm throwing it away.


Five minutes later, she hands me the empty cup and a note saying she took it at noon.


What will tonight bring I wonder?

Privacy issues...long...

The one advantage to being so tired you can't seem to think straight is that you don't know what things should bother you and what shouldn't so you kind of let them all pass. At least that is what it seemed like to me this past weekend. Or I suppose you could let everything bother you... but that doesn't seem to be very helpful. 

I'm not sure how one can distance themselves from Alzheimer's when it is invading your home.  I need to distance myself from the AD, but I can't distance myself from my Mom and sometimes I can't separate the two.

Mother daughter relationships can be complicated. Our has always been (within my memory), which is a shame. Unfortunately with the AD, old issues sometimes come up and it is Soho hard to distance myself from those old issues and deal with the AD of now.

My mom loved (and loves) me very much. But she was very protective. There were a lot of things she didn't want me to do because I could get hurt. I remember she didn't want me to go to the sled hill with the others kids. I had a sled- but no sled hill for me! But then when she was at work, Dad would take me to the sled hill. And then when I survived- we told Mom. She thought the out-of-doors was a dangerous and scary place! Wasps, and bees and all sorts of wildlife were out there ready to kill me, or sting me and what if I went into anaphylactic shock!?! Dad stepped in a lot when it was time for me to try new things.

Mom wanted to know who every phone call was from and  what we talked about.

She wanted to read every letter I received, wanted to know what people meant when they wrote things in my year book. She worried about the kids I hung out with and the boys I liked. I think that's normal- but many times it just went to the extreme. And the kids she thought were nice and welcomed into our home...well, lets just say some had her fooled.

So, I rebelled. Dad, bless his heart knew I needed privacy and in my shelving unit in my bedroom, created a space with a door that locked. And I had the only keys. I'm sure the conversation between my Mom and Dad was quite colorful when she saw what had occurred!

Now, I still feel that feeling of rebellion when Mom questions me about what I am doing, where I am going, who called, what they said. When she sees me barefoot going outside to get the newspaper she warns me of the dangers and it makes me want to scream- "I'm an adult!" Of course, doing that would not be very adult-like so I try to just smile. She wants to look at my mail and doesn't understand when I tell her no.

So here I am having trouble at the age of 55, trying to differentiate between my past rebellion and my current need for privacy within my own home. And there are times I feel so two-faced... when I go through her things and look for medication she's hidden instead of taken, when I sort her mail before giving it to her...when I invade her privacy. When I say to myself, "I am trying to protect her." When I realize that someday, when I am older, my own privacy may be in jeapordy...

I won't even go into the realizations that have occurred concerning my relationship to my own daughter...

I try to tell her what I can- but in my work there are times when confidentiality is important. And I can't trust her to remember NOT to say something. And there are times I just don't want to tell her every little thing that I am doing.

Mom follows us around- and I'm sure that's the AD. And she stands and just watches. And I know sometimes she is probably just lonely or feeling lost.

So- any thoughts out there about privacy and AD? About getting over past issues that have come home to roost? About guilt and boundaries and privacy? i obviously don't have the answers!

Tough Days

Tough couple of days. Emotions running high. Praying for a weekend of peace...

Dad is so tired. He says he feel "better." But anything he does wears him out. Getting up and eating breakfast wears him out. Getting up and eating dinner wears him out. Taking a shower wears him out. The emotional up and downs with Mom wears him out. He takes a lot of mini naps in his chair and two or three real naps in his bed during the day. He is frustrated that he isn't bouncing back faster.

We've talked that the reality may be that he will take much longer to "bounce back" It may be months- not weeks before he feels able to do some of the things he did before the surgery.

He is worried. Worried that he will die before Mom dies. He asked if I thought it was selfish to want Mom to go first. He doesn't want to think of her in this condition without him. I've probably added to his fear by telling him he has to stick around because I need help with Mom. While I meant that as an encouragement for him to keep on truckin', it was also most likely said in a moment of desperation and Dad picked up on that.

Mom has lashed out at me a couple of times this week in a very hurtful manner. I KNOW it is the Alzheimer's. I KNOW it isn't really "my Mom." But it is so hard to hear those unkind and mean words coming out of my mother's mouth... The blame and accusations. The anger and paranoia and fear. Reasoning goes out the door when Alzheimer's makes it home in your home.

My church secretary and I "compare notes" on my Mom's behavior and that of her young first grade son. Her son has had health problems from birth and many major heart surgeries. He had a couple of slight strokes a year ago after surgery that slightly injured part of the frontal lobe of the brain. Mom's CT scan showed some deterioration in the frontal lobe of the brain as well. We share many of the same frustrations. Some of the same behavioral problems. But his condition is and will continue (we pray) to get better. Mom's won't.

Mom sensed I had withdrawn from her yesterday. I really had to. Thank goodness my daughter came with my grandson and occupied some of Mom's time. But even that became problematic for awhile.

Mom is sorting through pictures, a task I gave her when she was complaining about being bored. Going through pictures with Cheryl and seeing events that took place, she denies she was at the events and believes she wasn't invited. Even a baby shower she gave for my sister-in-law at her home is suspect. She looks at the pictures and is upset that the shower was held in her old home. Even when she is in the pictures- she denies their existence.

She saw things in the pictures she used to own and got upset because she either no longer owns them or gave them away (to me) too soon.

She denies she ever knew I had a home daycare and that she visited frequently and helped take the kids on trips. She denies my daughter was home schooled for a while and she helped. She denies ever seeing my cats. She believes that we kept her away and did not invite her to multiple birthday parties and Christmas events. Even when she is in the pictures.

So my daughter had to end the trip down "memory" lane as it got Mom upset.

Well, time for morning meds and time to see what today will be like...

Updates!

I can't believe its been over a month since I last wrote on this blog. So many things have occurred, there is no way I can remember or update everything... but here is what I can tell you:

I was away from home at school for 10 days. It was a great break for me, but a difficult time for my husband and father.

Coming home was a shock- my system wasn't prepared for reality. I was short tempered for a couple of days as I tried to get back into the swing of things. Mom was confused and irritated that I had been gone. To top that off, there were doctor's appointments and off course trying to get back in the swing of things at work too.

Mom's doctor's appointment went okay- she tried to persuade her primary care doctor (Dr. P)  that Dr. A's diagnosis was wrong. Dr. P added Namenda twice a day to the Aricept and also added Zoloft for depression. I'm happy to say I think one or both are helping. There isn't as much negative talk and negative, nasty behavior. She seems calmer and doesn't upset as easily.

Dad has a CT scan on his Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm. We got the results yesterday and it isn't good. He will need surgery soon. They would like to use a stent, but have to contact the company that makes the stents to see if it will work with his condition. I suspect his surgery will occur before the end of the month.

There are a lot of unknowns with this. What do I do with Mom while Dad is in the hospital?  How much help will he  need when he gets home and how much will he be restricted? What does that mean for Mom's care?

??

The Day My Mother's World Fell Apart

Today was a delightful spring-like, sunny, summer day. Today was the day my Mother's world fell apart. The day Dr. A told her she has Alzheimer's. The day when her "jokes" and her excuses fell on deaf ears, the day she was told by a doctor she should no longer drive, the day she was told if you don't take your blood pressure medicine you are asking to have a stroke, the day she was told she can no longer take care of any of her own finances, the day she was told she no longer can control her own medicine. The day her daughter became the enemy and her husband became a Judas.




Today was the day I took her out to lunch and she saw an old friend whose name she couldn’t remember. The day she asked her friend how her husband was and found out her friend’s husband had died in April. From Alzheimer’s. The day she told her friend that she's been tested for Alzheimer's but can't possibly have it. The day she told me I am always trying to find something wrong with her.


Today is the day that Dr. A told her that since her last appointment two years ago there have been significant changes in her memory, in being able to retrieve words, in impulse control. It was a beautiful day full of anger, sadness, denial and ugliness.


Mom says she remembers the conversation we all had on the Monday the 21st of June, but she remembers telling us we are wrong and she is just fine. She asked Dr. A today at least three times (and he reiterated it several more) if she has Alzheimer’s “now.” She was told yes each time.


What do you say to someone who has been told they are going to lose pieces of their mind and eventually die? What do you say to them when they wonder out loud if they would be better off with a brain tumor or brain cancer?


What do you say, how can you make them understand they are not being punished by God when it seems to them they are?


What can you do except hug and kiss them and tell them you love them? How can you possibly say, “It’s going to be okay?” How can it possibly "be okay?"

Mom has forgotten she told me I could take care of her medicines. I am in the dog house big time. But that's okay.

What is bad is finding my mother standing in front of the drawer  where I put her meds and seeing her with a fistful of medicine.

Me: "What are you doing?"
Her: I can't find my medicine and I will not take something if I don't recognize it."
Me: "What is it you don't recognize?" (Thinking she went to take one of her bedtime pills and didn't know what it was because she keeps forgetting to take it.)
Mom: Where are my pills for tomorrow?
Me: In your room where they always are.
Mom: No they're not.
Notice pills in Mom's hand...
Me: Why are you holding those pills?
Mom: They shouldn't be in here.
Me: Mom, let me have the pills.
Mom: No, their mine.
Me: I know, but I'm taking care of them for you.
Mom: No you are not!
Me: Yes, I am. (Holding out my hand) Give me the pills (sternly- but not yelling- kind of like talking to a child that may hurt themselves if they don't do what you say quickly)
Mom: Fine (drops pills- some reach my hand, some hit the floor)
Me: Dammit
Mom: What are you going to do with them?
Me: I'll take care of them Mom.
Mom: Where are my pills for the morning?
Me: (Trying to take her hand) Come here I'll show you.
Mom: (Angry) Don't you try to make me come with you. I am not a child!
Me: I know Mom, I'm sorry. Please come with me.

We go into the bedroom and her  pill box is on the counter. It is one that separates, so you can take Fridays pills with you, or Sat,Sun pills etc.

Me: See, here they are. And your bedtime pills are in this compartment.
Mom: I KNOW THAT.
Me: Well, Sunday's pills are in the Sunday container, see?
Mom: Yes. I don't use this container.
Me: Well, we are using it until we leave on vacation. Remember? We did this yesterday too.
Mom: No, I don't remember. This IS NOT THE WAY I DO IT!
Starts screaming about her medicine and her life and her pills. Looks at me and says sarcastically, 

Mom: Do I have to ask you if I can go to the bathhroom???
She goes in and slams the door.

Dad is in the hall.

Me: Dad, you have to back me up here.
Dad: Shakes his head. I know, I just hoped this would wait until we were back from vacation.

Follow Up

My daughter and family did come. It was tense between Mom and I and Mom and Dad. My daughter had this conversation with her grandma:

Grandma walked in on Grandpa and I talking she looked at me slumped her shoulders and said 'I'm grounded!"

Me "Who grounded you?"

Her "Your mom and Grandpa"

Me "How are you grounded?"

Her" No one will let me drive any where... I have a smart mind and if you don't use it you lose it. I haven't driven in forever"

Me " Maybe they don't want you to drive because you can't hear and if you get lost it's hard to get direction"

Her " I always have paper and pen in my purse so I can get directions"

I was quiet, I was trying to think of something that would calm her

Her " If I would have known it was going to be like this when we moved in here I never would have, I don't want to be here"


Grandpa " You need to be here"


Her " we moved here because of you"


Grandpa "We moved here because of both of us"


Her " Both of us no, I'm fine" ( she was getting very angry then)


Me" Grandma, you need to be here too"


Her "No I don't"


Me" Grandma, I love you and I wouldn't lie to you, YOU NEED TO BE HERE TOO!! (not yelling just calmly stressed each word) "

Me got up and gave Grandma a hug told her I loved her but she really needed to be here....


She changed the subject to my DH and the Issue with Steven's

She did later on say something about she couldn't get to downtown T***** and would probably get lost if she tried... I was trying again to talk to grandpa...


Every time I was trying to talk to someone she had something to say.. she reminded me of my 3 year old when he has to have my attention so he interrupts everything even when it's not important.. she tried a bunch while I was talking with dad... she wanted to tell me my son's  toes were ticklish and saying my name over and over.... finally she grabbed my arm and I had to turn around....

Thank you C for letting me post this.
 
Mom did write an email to my Godmother and told her that she had been a real pain (to us) lately and that everyone was treating her well. 
 
The rest of the day went fine. And now we seem to be back to "normal" ...what ever that is.

The "stuff" hit the fan today

Kids coming over today and bringing the grandkids. Mom and Dad were going to go to the store to get stuff for sandwiches. Mom wanted to drive. Dad told her no, Mom got out of the car and refused to go with him.



Dad left.


Mom came inside and wanted to know why she can't drive. I tried. I tried NOT to tell her. But then I did. She is VERY angry.

Today I was supposed to spend writing. I have 12 papers due on June 14th for a class I have to take for work. I have to go to a church conference for 4 days the first week in June. I have sermons to write, people to visit and Mom has an appointment on the 9th to see a nuero-psychologist.

I am overwhelmed and my heart hurts and I am mad at myself for not having the right words to put out the flames. Instead I ignited the fire.

Lawyer says to close Mom's bank accounts and credit cards. Dad and I wanted to wait until after our vacation in mid-June. Now Mom is threatening to "take over" the money again and buy herself a new car.


Kids still coming over- I gave them a heads up.

I  pray this blows over soon. Lord, teach me how to lie!!!

Dammit Dammit

Dammit! I did it again! Mom is unhappy and wanted Dad to go for a walk. He didn't want to. Mom came to me, the third time in 15 minutes,wanting to know why we won't let her drive. She wanted to talk about driving and going to the mall by herself. I told her I was busy but would talk to her later. In my head I was thinking that when I got done with what I was doing, she and I could take a walk outside.


I was trying to finish, when Mom came in again and said she was going
for a walk by herself. She was acting very defiant, like she was afraid I was going to try to stop her. I told Mom if she waited a bit, I would go with her. I finished what I was doing and then we went for a short walk outside.


It was fine. When we got home she asked me how to open and close the garage door. I showed her how to close it and then started to tell her the code to open it and she started pushing buttons before I finished. I probably quite sternly said, "Mom. Wait until I'm done telling you." She did and then we started to go in and she said to me, "You know, as a nurse I have to anticipate what people are going to say next." I said "Mom when someone is talking to you, you should wait until they are finished talking." (She interrupts people all the time, then doesn't understand what they said and then gets mad or upset.)

She said, "I am a nurse and this is how I have to do things. This is how nurses do things." I said, "Yes Mom I know you are a nurse. But that doesn't give you an excuse to be rude." Her reply:"My being rude has saved lives. This is who I am."


I don't know what else was said, but I know I said too much. She's angry, I'm frustrated.


Why??? Why can't I just leave it alone?

I know she can't understand! Will I ever get good at this? I want to go and apologize. And I will. But she can't understand why I said the things I did, so why should she accept my apology?

Dammit. I thought I was doing good not talking about the driving...