The Day My Mother's World Fell Apart

Today was a delightful spring-like, sunny, summer day. Today was the day my Mother's world fell apart. The day Dr. A told her she has Alzheimer's. The day when her "jokes" and her excuses fell on deaf ears, the day she was told by a doctor she should no longer drive, the day she was told if you don't take your blood pressure medicine you are asking to have a stroke, the day she was told she can no longer take care of any of her own finances, the day she was told she no longer can control her own medicine. The day her daughter became the enemy and her husband became a Judas.




Today was the day I took her out to lunch and she saw an old friend whose name she couldn’t remember. The day she asked her friend how her husband was and found out her friend’s husband had died in April. From Alzheimer’s. The day she told her friend that she's been tested for Alzheimer's but can't possibly have it. The day she told me I am always trying to find something wrong with her.


Today is the day that Dr. A told her that since her last appointment two years ago there have been significant changes in her memory, in being able to retrieve words, in impulse control. It was a beautiful day full of anger, sadness, denial and ugliness.


Mom says she remembers the conversation we all had on the Monday the 21st of June, but she remembers telling us we are wrong and she is just fine. She asked Dr. A today at least three times (and he reiterated it several more) if she has Alzheimer’s “now.” She was told yes each time.


What do you say to someone who has been told they are going to lose pieces of their mind and eventually die? What do you say to them when they wonder out loud if they would be better off with a brain tumor or brain cancer?


What do you say, how can you make them understand they are not being punished by God when it seems to them they are?


What can you do except hug and kiss them and tell them you love them? How can you possibly say, “It’s going to be okay?” How can it possibly "be okay?"

Follow Up

My daughter and family did come. It was tense between Mom and I and Mom and Dad. My daughter had this conversation with her grandma:

Grandma walked in on Grandpa and I talking she looked at me slumped her shoulders and said 'I'm grounded!"

Me "Who grounded you?"

Her "Your mom and Grandpa"

Me "How are you grounded?"

Her" No one will let me drive any where... I have a smart mind and if you don't use it you lose it. I haven't driven in forever"

Me " Maybe they don't want you to drive because you can't hear and if you get lost it's hard to get direction"

Her " I always have paper and pen in my purse so I can get directions"

I was quiet, I was trying to think of something that would calm her

Her " If I would have known it was going to be like this when we moved in here I never would have, I don't want to be here"


Grandpa " You need to be here"


Her " we moved here because of you"


Grandpa "We moved here because of both of us"


Her " Both of us no, I'm fine" ( she was getting very angry then)


Me" Grandma, you need to be here too"


Her "No I don't"


Me" Grandma, I love you and I wouldn't lie to you, YOU NEED TO BE HERE TOO!! (not yelling just calmly stressed each word) "

Me got up and gave Grandma a hug told her I loved her but she really needed to be here....


She changed the subject to my DH and the Issue with Steven's

She did later on say something about she couldn't get to downtown T***** and would probably get lost if she tried... I was trying again to talk to grandpa...


Every time I was trying to talk to someone she had something to say.. she reminded me of my 3 year old when he has to have my attention so he interrupts everything even when it's not important.. she tried a bunch while I was talking with dad... she wanted to tell me my son's  toes were ticklish and saying my name over and over.... finally she grabbed my arm and I had to turn around....

Thank you C for letting me post this.
 
Mom did write an email to my Godmother and told her that she had been a real pain (to us) lately and that everyone was treating her well. 
 
The rest of the day went fine. And now we seem to be back to "normal" ...what ever that is.

The "stuff" hit the fan today

Kids coming over today and bringing the grandkids. Mom and Dad were going to go to the store to get stuff for sandwiches. Mom wanted to drive. Dad told her no, Mom got out of the car and refused to go with him.



Dad left.


Mom came inside and wanted to know why she can't drive. I tried. I tried NOT to tell her. But then I did. She is VERY angry.

Today I was supposed to spend writing. I have 12 papers due on June 14th for a class I have to take for work. I have to go to a church conference for 4 days the first week in June. I have sermons to write, people to visit and Mom has an appointment on the 9th to see a nuero-psychologist.

I am overwhelmed and my heart hurts and I am mad at myself for not having the right words to put out the flames. Instead I ignited the fire.

Lawyer says to close Mom's bank accounts and credit cards. Dad and I wanted to wait until after our vacation in mid-June. Now Mom is threatening to "take over" the money again and buy herself a new car.


Kids still coming over- I gave them a heads up.

I  pray this blows over soon. Lord, teach me how to lie!!!

Dammit Dammit

Dammit! I did it again! Mom is unhappy and wanted Dad to go for a walk. He didn't want to. Mom came to me, the third time in 15 minutes,wanting to know why we won't let her drive. She wanted to talk about driving and going to the mall by herself. I told her I was busy but would talk to her later. In my head I was thinking that when I got done with what I was doing, she and I could take a walk outside.


I was trying to finish, when Mom came in again and said she was going
for a walk by herself. She was acting very defiant, like she was afraid I was going to try to stop her. I told Mom if she waited a bit, I would go with her. I finished what I was doing and then we went for a short walk outside.


It was fine. When we got home she asked me how to open and close the garage door. I showed her how to close it and then started to tell her the code to open it and she started pushing buttons before I finished. I probably quite sternly said, "Mom. Wait until I'm done telling you." She did and then we started to go in and she said to me, "You know, as a nurse I have to anticipate what people are going to say next." I said "Mom when someone is talking to you, you should wait until they are finished talking." (She interrupts people all the time, then doesn't understand what they said and then gets mad or upset.)

She said, "I am a nurse and this is how I have to do things. This is how nurses do things." I said, "Yes Mom I know you are a nurse. But that doesn't give you an excuse to be rude." Her reply:"My being rude has saved lives. This is who I am."


I don't know what else was said, but I know I said too much. She's angry, I'm frustrated.


Why??? Why can't I just leave it alone?

I know she can't understand! Will I ever get good at this? I want to go and apologize. And I will. But she can't understand why I said the things I did, so why should she accept my apology?

Dammit. I thought I was doing good not talking about the driving...

The last two days...

The last two days have gone really well for the most part. Dad is so very happy to be here and he tells me that more than once a day. Mom has her ups and downs, but I really think she is doing quite well considering the changes that have taken place in her life.



Thursday and Friday she spent a lot of time with my daughter C and her two youngest, Little Bit and Hot Rod. Little Bit is 5 and is a real girly girl. Hot Rod is 3 and loves his boy stuff. Mom showed Bit how to say “I love you” when holding hands. (A hand squeeze) They did a lot of hand-holding and squeezing. Mom had a great time. And both nights she slept really well. I think the extra stimulation during the day is helping.


My daughter C talked to Mom about driving. Mom was complaining we won’t let her drive by herself. C told her we were worried that since she can’t hear and can’t use a telephone, if something happened or if she did get lost, she wouldn’t be able to get help. Mom seems to be remembering that and has brought it up a couple of times.


She is confused about some things. It’s odd how one day certain things are confusing to her and the next day they are just fine.


Last night she told me she couldn’t use her computer. The screen was black. I asked her if she had turned it off, and she looked at me as if I were nuts. So I went and checked, and sure enough it was off.


Then she couldn’t remember how to forward her email to someone else (sorry folks- I showed her how again!) She also didn’t remember what a disc was and that her medicine list was on a disc. She blames my redoing her computer. And that is fine- I can handle that!


There was a lot of confusion about medicine last night and she was very agitated because she must “pour” Dad’s meds on Saturday night. I’ve offered to help and she seemed ok with that.


But she was not okay with realizing at the time that she wasn’t remembering things. I told her she was just tired and tomorrow would be better.