Dad- No- REALLY???? You said WHAT???

From my daughter to me on Wednesday night:

Okay this is probably stupid and not something to lose sleep over but I just can't seem to let it go. So I'm hoping if I say something I might be able to sleep.
After we got back and you left I was talking to grandpa and I asked him about Friday. He gave me a funny look and I said do you want to go walk out at the mall? He replied "I know your grandmother is going to want to go. Kirklands is having a big sale and lost their lease"

I didn't know what to say... My head was saying did we not just go through all this ? She's not a person u can take shopping..
I'm sitting there worried about staying there with them while you guys are gone and he wants to take her shopping at the mall?!?!?!

All I said was I am not taking her to the mall. And he changed the subject. I don't know why it's driving me nuts but it just keeps repeating in my head. I know grandpa doesn't want to acknowledge everything but is he really that oblivious?

She's gone. She's lost and every day I see her it's so much worse.

I just wanted to cry in the ER... I did this evening. That's not my grandmother. She's not even a normal person.... Sorry you already know all that. I just needed to tell u about grandpa and saying grandma is going to want to go to the mall
I love you and think about you every day

Me to my daughter: What gets me about that is that he knows Gma would be going to Daycare- why would he even think you would be taking her to the mall?
Probably when you said that, he had the Kirklands thing on his mind and was thinking- sure, yeah, Gma would like to do that.
Probably if you had said- "No Gpa- AFTER we drop Gma off at daycare" it would have brought him back to reality. I don't know.

After we went to Wal-Mart for Valentines- he knows how difficult shopping can be with her. But old habits die hard.
He knows. He looks across the table every day at her. He knows.

My daughter to me:

There are times and things he says and does sometimes..
It's like either he doesn't know, is refusing to admit it, or just doesn't care. I don't know anymore. It's hard for me since he was my only close friend for years, and right now there are times when I really don't understand or like him.
Thank you though I do feel better about yesterday. I hope today goes much better for you guys and I'll see you tomorrow.

Friday- My daughter took Mom to Daycare and took Dad to the mall. When they got home, my daughter told me she was glad they had gone to the mall. And she said she was certain Dad wouldn’t say anything to Mom because the last time they went to the mall he indicated it wouldn’t be good to tell her- it would just upset her. My daughter was happy to spend the time with him.

 

After Dinner- I sent this to my daughter… (Gpa is my Dad, Gma is my mother)

Dinner
Gpa: I don't think I told you, Cheryl and I went to the mall today.

Gma: You went to the mall? Well I wish I had...

Gpa: Yeah- we went to the Hallmark store and saw so and so and whose it and so and so etc.

Gma: You went to the mall? Did you see so and so?

Gpa: No she wasn't there. They're closing the store on Sunday.

Gma: Why are they closing the store? Can I go see them before they close?

Gpa: No you can't.

Gma: But I want to. If I had known you were going to the mall... Why did you go?

Me: (Whispering to Gpa) To get your glasses fixed.

Gpa: To go to the Hallmark store and say goodbye to everyone.

Gma: I wanted to go. Why didn't I get to go?

Me: I sent them to get Dad’s glasses fixed.

Gma: Did you get your glasses at the Mall?

Gpa: No

Me: No, he got them right by the mall.

Gma: Well that’s not where I get my glasses! I want to go to the mall.

Gpa: You can’t.

Thanks a lot Dad!

Wednesday- Back to the ER

Dear Mom,

I know I seemed angry today.  I was frustrated. I know you want to be respected and treated like an adult. But Alzheimer’s has taken over a big part of your life, and I can’t ignore that fact.

You don’t realize it, but we’ve put an “alarm” on the front door “just-in-case” you would try leaving at night or try to go outside for a walk by yourself. Today- when we needed to hear that alarm go off- it didn’t.

I’ve asked you and told you not to go outside by yourself and you have sworn that you wouldn’t even think of doing it. But you did.

Cher had just come in with Colt on the east side of the house when I heard Dad yell that you had fallen. You were on the front step outside of the house.

You were trying to get up, but I made you stay down to make sure nothing was broken. You kept saying, “I just wanted to see what the weather was like.”

It took me and Tom both to get you up. After this,  I know I can’t possibly do it by myself. You do have bad knees and I know that is a problem with getting you up.

You got mad when I told you from now on you have to use the walker. You don’t think you need to use it. Its not your fault you have fallen. It’s the house. (?) You don’t realize how unsteady you are on your feet. You don’t realize how you sway back and forth when you walk. You blame it on the house, on your knees, on your slippers, on your shoes, on your feet when they hurt…but it doesn’t matter the cause, it doesn’t matter who or what is to blame- the fact is you are not steady on your feet. And you need to use the walker.

And you CAN’T go outside the house by yourself. You can’t go down the step in the garage, or out the front door by yourself. You run the risk off falling.

You’ve been fortunate. This time. And the last time. And the time before that. One day, you might not be so fortunate. You’ll hit your head and it will be serious. You’ll fall and break a hip, or an arm, or a wrist.

Cher drove us to the ER. You didn’t want to go. You wanted to go to day care. Your “butt” hurt and your ring finger was so swollen and bruised I had no idea how your rings would come off without being cut off. I knew you wouldn’t like that.

You moaned on and off on our way to the ER. It’s hard to know how much you really hurt. I don’t think you feel pain like you should. You put extremely hot things in your mouth. You touch hot things and then your reaction to them being hot is delayed. Its hard to know.

We made you use your walker at the ER. You were mad. The doctor told you your rings had to come off. You didn’t understand. You kept saying that when the swelling came down you could get them off. He kept telling you the swelling won’t go down with the rings on and you could lose your finger. The nurse in you didn’t show up. You didn’t understand.

Threatened with the possibility of your rings being cut off, you asked for water and soap and you got them off yourself. I don’t know how. It had to have hurt like hell. But you didn’t make a noise. That worries me- it makes me more certain you aren’t feeling pain…

They x-rayed your hand and put a splint on your finger. You didn’t understand why. You said your butt hurts worse than your finger… well- you are going to be really bruised there as well. And they can’t do anything about it.

On the way home, you wanted to go to daycare. I said no, you need to come home so we can keep an eye on you. You wanted to go out to eat. I said no. You started complaining about how mean I am.

Sometimes I find it humorous that my mother calls me mean like my kids used to. But not today. No- nothing seems very funny today.

In less than two weeks time, I’ve spent two mornings in the ER with you. That’s a full day I should have spent working. That may sound cold. But it’s the truth. I’m fortunate I can take off like that. But there will come a day when I can’t.

I hate this Mom. I really do. I miss you. I have a hard time listening to you complain constantly. Its hard for me not to react when you tell me I don’t cook right, when you tell me I ‘m not dressed right. When you tell me my religion is wrong, that I read the wrong Bible. How is it that you can say you are proud of my being a minister and then tell me only the Catholic Church is right? Oh. It’s the Alzheimer's…

But its hard when the words are coming out of the mouth of my mother.

I’m doing the best I can. I know it upsets you when I don’t react to something you say- but really- I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I do react you get upset. When I walk away- you tell me I should stop and stay and talk to you about whatever your complaint is at the time. But Mom- your reasoning button is broken. I can’t reason with you and I can’t make you happy when we talk.

You seem happiest when I give you a hug. And most of the time I give them to you. Sometimes- when I give you a hug, I just pretend you are someone else. Because you are.

Aggravating day..

Life gets in the way…

Mom had been up early, upset because she didn’t sleep well the night before.The night before she wanted me to wait to give her sleeping pill to her until later in the evening, but I always give it to her at 10pm so I can get to bed. She refused to take it at 10pm, so she didn’t get it. And she didn’t sleep well. And of course it was my fault.

My daughter has a bad cold and fell back asleep this morning. She was going to take Mom to daycare. I tried calling her when she didn’t show up at her normal time and got her voice mail right off the bat. Her husband’s phone was out of minutes so I couldn’t reach him. So my husband and I took Mom to daycare so her could see where to go and how to check her in etc…

Mom and Dad were both worried about my daughter and after my initial mad I was too.  Its hard when you can’t get a hold of someone to find out what is going on and in this day and age where we expect instant communication it makes it harder.

Instead of coming right home, my DH wanted to stop and do a bit of shopping, which of course made sense since we were already near the store. But it cut into my already busy and late starting day.

The good thing was I found out at the daycare how Mom and the hairdresser got along and I am sure this is going to work out. The daycare director had gone to the hairdresser and explained how with Alzheimer’s patients it is important for them to still have some control in the areas they can control and in this case it is how my mother’s hair is done. The hairdresser, even though she works in the nursing home, doesn’t necessarily work with AD patients. She was very willing to listen and to adapt. So the hair dresser used a hand mirror so Mom could see how she was rolling it etc and they got along just fine. Yeah!

I worked on my attitude all day. Life happens and while I’m human and get aggravated at the same things everyone else get’s aggravated with I’m also trying to remember that how I feel is my choice.

I’ve been working a bit with my therapist on this- actually we had just discussed it. So I was given the opportunity to be tested and practice… The  aggravation was the things in my nice green planner didn’t get done! But- tomorrow is another day.

Seems unreasonable to say my whole day was “ruined” by the way the day started out but that is what I was letting happen. I was grateful for prayer group on Wednesday night to get me back to center. Looking forward to Thursday!