Tough Days

Tough couple of days. Emotions running high. Praying for a weekend of peace...

Dad is so tired. He says he feel "better." But anything he does wears him out. Getting up and eating breakfast wears him out. Getting up and eating dinner wears him out. Taking a shower wears him out. The emotional up and downs with Mom wears him out. He takes a lot of mini naps in his chair and two or three real naps in his bed during the day. He is frustrated that he isn't bouncing back faster.

We've talked that the reality may be that he will take much longer to "bounce back" It may be months- not weeks before he feels able to do some of the things he did before the surgery.

He is worried. Worried that he will die before Mom dies. He asked if I thought it was selfish to want Mom to go first. He doesn't want to think of her in this condition without him. I've probably added to his fear by telling him he has to stick around because I need help with Mom. While I meant that as an encouragement for him to keep on truckin', it was also most likely said in a moment of desperation and Dad picked up on that.

Mom has lashed out at me a couple of times this week in a very hurtful manner. I KNOW it is the Alzheimer's. I KNOW it isn't really "my Mom." But it is so hard to hear those unkind and mean words coming out of my mother's mouth... The blame and accusations. The anger and paranoia and fear. Reasoning goes out the door when Alzheimer's makes it home in your home.

My church secretary and I "compare notes" on my Mom's behavior and that of her young first grade son. Her son has had health problems from birth and many major heart surgeries. He had a couple of slight strokes a year ago after surgery that slightly injured part of the frontal lobe of the brain. Mom's CT scan showed some deterioration in the frontal lobe of the brain as well. We share many of the same frustrations. Some of the same behavioral problems. But his condition is and will continue (we pray) to get better. Mom's won't.

Mom sensed I had withdrawn from her yesterday. I really had to. Thank goodness my daughter came with my grandson and occupied some of Mom's time. But even that became problematic for awhile.

Mom is sorting through pictures, a task I gave her when she was complaining about being bored. Going through pictures with Cheryl and seeing events that took place, she denies she was at the events and believes she wasn't invited. Even a baby shower she gave for my sister-in-law at her home is suspect. She looks at the pictures and is upset that the shower was held in her old home. Even when she is in the pictures- she denies their existence.

She saw things in the pictures she used to own and got upset because she either no longer owns them or gave them away (to me) too soon.

She denies she ever knew I had a home daycare and that she visited frequently and helped take the kids on trips. She denies my daughter was home schooled for a while and she helped. She denies ever seeing my cats. She believes that we kept her away and did not invite her to multiple birthday parties and Christmas events. Even when she is in the pictures.

So my daughter had to end the trip down "memory" lane as it got Mom upset.

Well, time for morning meds and time to see what today will be like...