Friday, March 5, 2010

Friday Surprise

Wow. Today my daughter "C" came over to help me pack and I am so grateful for her help. Mom had a hair appointment at noon for a perm and Dad a doctor's appointment at 3:30.  I got over to their house about 10:30; I went to the bank first to change the mailing addresses on their accounts.

Everyone seemed in good spirits. Dad is feeling a bit better. Mom is always happy to get her hair done. She wanted to go out to lunch too, but I said I'd get something to bring for Dad and my daughter and I so we could pack. She said she would get something while she was out.  I should have told her I would get something for her too. She also said she was going to go to the bank and get some money out for the move.

We packed, I ran out and got sandwiches for C and I and  soup for my dad.  C had to leave around 1:45. Mom came home about 2:20. I told her how nice she looked and she ignored me and told me she was upset with me and wanted to talk.

I think my jaw must have hit the floor. Dad looked at me as if he too had missed something. Mom told me when she left and was very angry with me. So we tried to talk. But she couldn't remember why she was upset- just that she was upset and she was still angry.

She went into a whole litany of how difficult it is being 80 years old, how difficult it is to live with my father, how sometimes I act just like him, how difficult it is to be almost deaf, how bad she feels when we stop talking when she comes into a room. (paranoia?) How bad she feels that dad won't carry on a conversation with her.

She wants to know what I expect of her when she moves in. How she thinks it would be better for Dad to move in with us and for her to go be by herself. Nothing we could say made any difference.

She hadn't had lunch, she didn't go to the bank. She was mad we had eaten. (It was okay I had fed C, but Dad and I should have waited for her) We had to go to the doctor's appointment for Dad so we said we would talk when we got home.

Dad has been put on prednisone to help with his bronchitis. If he's not a lot better by Monday it will be back to the doctor.

We stopped and got Mom something to eat on the way home. Unfortunately once she got it home, she decided it was too spicy for her to eat, so she was upset more.

We did talk for quite a while. But I really think I need to find a support group so I can find out what to say and what not to say. If I say what I normally would have said to her ten years ago, it doesn't click. I don't feel as if I should always try to placate her either. So I'm not sure what to say or do. Dad says he can't win no matter what he says. He told Mom that was she considers "conversation" he calls "confrontation."

I can see Mom losing herself. And I can't imagine what that must feel like. It must be scary, confusing and maddening. I have a friend with dementia and she knows, admits, and talks about her dementia. She just thanks God for her clear and lucid times. I hope I would be that way...

1 comment:

Cher said...

I was so glad to help wish I could do more! I wonder if grandma was mad that we all didn't meet her for lunch... I haven't seen her in a while and you were the one to tell her no... But she didn't seem upset at all when she left?? I had some nice talks with Grandpa during the time you were gone, getting lunch.

He did say that it's getting worse at night (Sundowning) He said " This pre dementia or what ever it is, is crazy" I said grandpa it's not that it's alzehiemers and he replied "Yeah i know it is".... He's worried about what would happen if he passed before Grandma.. so I think the move will help him not worry about that as much.

We were able to talk about the special friendship we've had over the years and that it meant as much to him as it did for me.

He also thought the move was easier for him because he was used to moving in the service, Grandma was only used to moving "up" until recently and it's also hitting that they are getting older and are "on their way out"

It is easier to talk when grandma is not in the room, and there is some conversation cut off or die down when she walks into a room... I think it's more because everyone is on egg shells that she's going to get upset over something or not understand it...

Praying for a good move!