A Day Without Day Care…

Do you remember when your kids were little and they had so much fun on one day that they got so tired and the next day they were like little bears? I think that is what happened yesterday. I could tell when Mom got up. Grouchy. Whiny. Demanding. I took a look at my schedule (my schedule!) to find some time to take Mom to get Valentines. I decided 4pm would be good. I needed to go to WalleyWorld  to pick up a prescription anyhow. Its 20 miles away and I figured if we went then, it would be at the end of my work day and I could come right home and fix dinner. (Or pick up dinner on the way home.)

So first thing in the morning I wrote down what my schedule was and left it out for Mom and Dad. The idea that I have a schedule seems to be a little unsettling for some in the household. What happened to the idea I could be interrupted from whatever whenever someone feels like it? How in the world did I get by without one?

I take my green organizer where ever I go and that seems to reinforce the idea. Mom now has decided that she doesn’t want to get her hair done at the day care. She doesn’t like the lady that did it. She only put four rollers in her hair and either blew it dry with the hair dryer or she sat under the hair dryer for only a couple of seconds (can’t decide which), and because it only took 10 minutes for her to get her hair done and it cost too much. So she wants me to set her back up with Pam for her hair. So we discussed the idea that I have a schedule and I might have to make changes in her schedule to accommodate this… She wasn’t too thrilled with the idea. But she did say she would accept what ever day and time Pam could do her hair, even if it meant not going to day care. We’ll see how this turns out.

We went to Wallyworld and Mom and Dad couldn’t find the huge displays of Valentines stuff, so I showed them where it was. And then Mom couldn’t find the boxed Valentines (to take to a party at the day care.) and I took her back to the Valentine stuff to show her those.

 

We got in line (I’m condensing this part- getting in line was like a Keystone Cops comedy) and Mom decided she had to go to the bathroom. As we faced the front of the store- the bathrooms were just to the right of our checkout line. Dad and I got things paid for and bagged and put in the cart and Mom wasn’t back. We parked the cart in front of the restroom and waited. Still no Mom. I was getting ready to go in to see if she was okay when we saw her at the entrance/exit at the other side of the store. She couldn’t find us. Even though we were only a few yards away from the bathroom and my Dad was wearing a BRIGHT ORANGE winter hiking jacket (similar to this- only brighter)

So, instead of waiting for us near the bathroom, she decided we must have gone out to the car without her. In sub-zero wind-chills. So she went out to the car. In the parking lot. In the dark. In the cold without a hat. When she didn’t find us there, she came back. To say I was upset- with her and with myself is an understatement. I have a Alzheimer’s Safe Return bracelet for her but she complains about it so much I took it off. It will go back on.

 

 

Quick Catch-Up

A quick catch-up…

 

Mom has been going to the Adult Day Program and still loves it. She is going on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. She missed two days last week because of the weather… Snow-ice-snow-ice-snow-ice… if you live in the Midwest you understand! Took her on Monday and she remembered everyone’s name except for two people! She couldn’t remember what she had for breakfast- but I think because this is so enjoyable she is really trying…or it could be that the pleasure centers of her brain are not as affected?? Who knows with AD?

I have been going to my counselor/life coach/therapist. I feel very good about this. Tuesday I took her my calendar for the next 6 months and showed her how I have it color coded for Dad’s stuff, Mom’s stuff, my son’s stuff and my husband’s stuff and she asked me where my stuff was?? I explained I try to work around everyone else… And after I said it out loud it really hit home. So we got our my new calendar and in it are all the things others do, but it also has My Stuff listed with the times… So if someone wants me to do something during study time, I can say no and have a reason. It is my study time. I can’t really put it off. It needs to be done. It is all written in pencil- so I can change things if I need/want to, but I can use it as a guideline so I don’t get caught saying “yes” to too many things others want me to do. My therapist gave me a pink mechanical pencil. I didn’t have any- but today when I go to WalMart at 4PM(scheduled!) I will pick some up! Thank you SM!

For those of you for whom this didn’t take 56 years to figure out, I envy you! But now that I’m catching on to it I just pray I don’t let it fall by the wayside. By doing this- I can look at my schedule and see that I can have my granddaughter over  this weekend and not be wondering in the back of my mind if I’m forgetting something. This is very freeing for me. I never thought a schedule would free me…who knew?

Now I have to remember to put blogging on my schedule…

A Blessed Day!~

This morning when Mom got up she immediately got dressed and put on her makeup. She was ready to go visit an Adult Day (Care) Program. The only glitch in the morning was Mom couldn’t find her purse. But the mystery was solved when she went to get her cereal out of the cupboard and found it there. Mom swears Dad put it there. Dad told Mom if she wants to see who put it there she should look in the mirror.

  It was really kind of funny.

But the highlight of the day was taking Mom to Adult Daycare. She wasn’t too sure about it, but then once we got there, she fit right in.

I filled out paper work and visited with the staff and then left and ran some errands. I came back about 2:45 pm and found Mom sitting and visiting with people. I asked her if she was ready to go home and she said:

“Do I have to go now? There are still more things to do! I want to stay for the whole day.”

I almost cried. I couldn’t believe how happy she was. She stayed for a snack of animal crackers and then decided she could come home. But she definitely wants to go back.

She talked the whole way home about what she did. “Volley Ball” with a balloon, snacks, poetry, lunch, another exercise class, a game called “You Be The Judge.” She loved the staff and felt good with the people. She also found out they have Mass on Friday’s morning and that she can get her hair done. She asked if she can go back.

I asked Mom how often she wants to go, and she asked what she can afford. I asked her if she wanted to start at 2 days a week and she immediately asked if she could go at least three and preferably four…

We will get a schedule set up and get her going! She wants to go on Monday. She is so excited.

I am so happy. This may mean a world of difference for all of us. Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord!

Something for me…

Today I went to see a counselor/life coach/therapist. This is a good thing for me. I’ve done this at various times in my life. Sometimes when things overwhelm and seem too confusing its good to have someone that does not have an emotional stake in what is going on to give an impartial assessment.

I think God sent me to this particular person. I Googled “life coach” in the area close by- and the first one that I looked at is the one I chose to contact. Verified by Psychology Today. A Christian. 10+ years experience (I’m not sure how that is possible- she looks like she’s about 19 or 20!)

We got in contact through email and met for the first time today. I‘ve forgotten how difficult it is to try to explain your whole life in an hour or less! Oh my goodness! And of course after I left I thought- “ should have told her this- I should have told her that…”

My DH and I saw a marriage counselor a few years ago (the best money we EVER spent!) and when I saw her privately she told me two things I’ll never forget. “You have to live your life now- you can’t wait until your parents give you their approval or until they die. You will never be able to please your mother.”

And then after a family meeting which included our parents) “Please don’t tell your mother what I told you. I do not want her showing up at my door.”

I listened to her. And while that may seem to some to be odd that my old therapist would say that, she had good reason. 

I should have told my new therapist this… I will next time I see her.  I love Mom and have always loved her.But sometimes we weren’t good for each other… I’m not sure what that means for our lives now. But I think we are making the best we can of it. Praying working with SM (my therapist) will help me make sense of what I need to be doing to get things under control in my life so I can live it the way God intends me to live it…

Another LONGGG Day…

I was up early again- always am up early on Sundays. It’s a habit and I like it. I like being at the church at 8AM and having a full hour to greet people and work out any problems that may come up.

Mom was up at 6AM but didn’t come looking for me. So I took her pills to her at 7AM. She looked at me in surprise.

“What are you doing up so early?”

“Well, I’m here to give you your pills.”

“Already? It’s early.”

“Yes, you need these before breakfast.”

Takes the pills.

I finish getting ready for church.

At 7:55AM I go in to give her the after breakfast pills. She normally eats as soon as she receives her before breakfast pills, But not today…

“Why are you bringing me these? I haven’t eaten yet. I never eat before 8AM.”

Smile. Leave and go to church. The pills can wait till I get home…

**************************

Meet in the afternoon with the family of the deceased. We have her memorial service pretty well planned I think. I go home and lay on the couch and nap while The Boy watches football. DH is at work.

Someone is shaking me awake and talking to me. Its Mom. I don’t hear what she says.

“What do you want Mom?”

Ignores me-to The Boy:

“Are you watching football?””

Makes comments about the Bears and the Packers.

“Mom- what did you want?”

“What do you mean what do I want?”

“I didn’t hear what you said. You woke me up.”

“You were sleeping? I thought you were watching football.”

“No- what did you want.”

“I don’t know. Oh yes- When are we having dinner? Oh wait- don’t tell me. DH is working so it won’t be until about 7PM.”

“That’s right.”

“Well- that was a stupid thing for you to ask me!”

“What? Mom?”

“Of course I know  when we are going to eat- why would you even ask me?”

“Huh?”

Mom walks out.

Good night Gracie…

Saturday night continued…

9:59 PM- off to see Mom with her pills. She doesn’t want them. Not then- of course not. She wants to talk more about her tooth. And she doesn’t want to take her sleeping pill. Wants Dad to give it to her later so she can “Sleep-in later!”

“No Mom- you need to take these now. I’ve got to get to bed.”

“You never want to talk about things when I want to talk about them.”

“Mom- I’m very tired and I need to go to bed. Take your pills.”

“I’m not taking this one now- (sleeping pill- actually not a sleeping pill- a relaxation medication) Your father will give it to me later.”

“No you need to take it now.”

Look over to where my father sits 3 feet away watching Frasier. He is ignoring the whole conversation even though it is getting loud and heated.

“I’m not going to take it- (stomps foot)”

“Fine (yes I have raised my voice…) Don’t take it. Don’t take any of them. I don’t care. I’m going to bed.”

And I leave. And I go to bed.

Saturday Fun and Games

So…I get up really early this morning. 4:30AM actually. Can’t sleep. Couldn’t get to sleep till about midnight, so I am kind of doubtful as to the quality of the day to come…

But I got a lot done. Laundry, dishes, exercising. Shower, makeup, hair, light breakfast because I am going to a breakfast meeting with other pastors at 8AM in a small town nearby.  As long as Mom gets up at 7AM- which she should because Dad said he would get her up- no problem.

But 7AM comes and goes. And so does 7:15 as does 7:30. So here is my dilemma. I can go and try to wake up Mom- but there is no hurrying her. And if I try to wake her up, will she be mad and I’ll pay for it? Am I wimping out? I’m ticked off. Can I go into my parent’s bedroom and wake up my deaf mother without waking up my father? Should I even care if I wake up my father- after all, he was supposed to get her up!

7:50 AM, Mom gets up. I can see there is no light in her eyes. I meet her in her living room with her pills which upsets her.

“I just got up! Its too early for pills.”

“Mom you usually have your pills at 7AM.”

“I don’t want then now.”

“Mom please take them so I can get some more work done.”

“I don’t have my ears in wait a minute.”

She gets her hearing aid in.

“I don’t like being rushed.”

It is now 8:15AM. I am late and I will not be going. I send a text message to one of the other pastors hoping he receives it in a bad reception area.

“Mom, I was supposed to be at a meeting at 8AM this morning. Dad was supposed to make sure you got up.”

“Why?”

“So I could give you your pills before I left.”

“That’s too early!”

“Mom we agreed to this on Thursday.”

“Agreed to what?”

“When we had the family meeting we agreed you would get up at 7AM so I can have a schedule I can count on.”

“You had a family meeting without me?”

“No, you were there.”

“Well I think I should have some say in this!”

“You did.”

“Well I don’t remember!”

************************************************

Dad gets up about 9AM.

I go in to talk with him in the kitchen.

“Dad. You didn’t get Mom up this morning.”

“Was I supposed to?”

“Yes, every morning at 7AM. Remember we talked about it. It was your suggestion to help me be on a schedule.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry.”

“Well, I missed an 8AM breakfast meeting because of it.”

“Oh honey. I am sorry.”

“It’s okay Dad.”

***********************************************************

LONG but productive day. I am extremely tired- that 4:30 AM awakening was too early. No nap either. Wish I could get to bed early tonight, but The Boy is again babysitting at Dear One’s so no one else can give Mom her pills at 10PM.

Maybe I can snooze in the chair for awhile…

Spoke too soon! (Friday continuation)

Okay- so Mom come’s in here as I’m getting ready to get ready for bed…

“What are we going to do about my tooth?”

“What tooth? The tooth that needs to be pulled?”

“What do you mean I have a tooth that needs to be pulled? It needs to be fixed.”

“When we saw Dr. M today we discussed it needs to be pulled.”

“NO we did NOT.”

“Well, yes after she replaced the crown on the other tooth we talked about how you need to have that molar pulled and we talked about where you wanted to do that.”

“I didn’t hear any of that conversation.”

“Mom, you told us that you didn’t care if it was at the dentist or oral surgeon’s office, but you just don’t want general anesthesia.”

“We did not have that conversation.”

“Mom, you need to have your tooth pulled. Do you want to have the oral surgeon do it or the dentist?”

“I don’t know- I’ll have to think about it.”

Friday…

Dad got up at 7AM to give Mom her pills and came to find me when he couldn’t find the pills… I explained I just wanted to make sure Mom was up at 7AM. I will still give her the pills, just need her to be up. Dad went back to bed.

 

Mom had a dentist appointment  at 9AM. First time to this dentist and she was nervous. She really doesn’t like going to the dentist. She was worried because this dentist is a woman and (she says) the last woman dentist she saw laughed at her when she found out Mom has Lichen Planus. She says, “She laughed and laughed and laughed. She thought it was so funny. I don’t find anything funny about it at all.” I have no idea if this actually happened and I have my doubts of course.

Mom had lost a crown and also has a bad cavity in another molar. She has been putting off seeing the dentist about the cavity. She wanted her periodontist, Dr. S to deal with it and she just wouldn’t listen when we said he doesn’t do that. She didn’t like her other dentist and so when she moved in with us, we tried to switch her to our dentist.

We got to the appointment and she was fine. While I was sitting waiting, I got a phone message that a member of our congregation had passed away. She had a stroke earlier in the week and so it wasn’t a surprise. I felt a little helpless tied up with Mom at the dentist and then knowing I was going to have to take her and Dad to the hairdresser too after the dentist. I called Dear One and asked if she might be able to help out with the transportation and found out that she had just gotten home at 7 AM after riding with my son-in-law in the semi all night. The Boy was staying there, so I asked if he might be able to come home and help out for awhile, but he was staying there to watch the littlest one while Dear One and her husband got some sleep.

So I made some more phone calls and and sent some text messages while I waited for Mom. When she came out with the dentist, the dentist told us she was able to reuse the crown.(Yeah!) But that the other tooth needs to some out.

So Mom and Dr. M and I talked about how to go about this. Dr. M said she could do it in the office or Mom could go to an oral surgeon. Mom said she’s had teeth pulled both ways before (I didn’t know) and she didn’t really care as long as she didn’t have general anesthesia. We left it that we would give Mom a few days to think about it and then make appointments. Mom isn’t having pain, but there is a chance of infection.

Took Mom and Dad to get hair done/cut. Mom griped about the hairdresser, that she doesn’t bring her coffee (Mom no longer drinks coffee except on very rare occasions) and she doesn’t like the way she does it, doesn’t like her perm, doesn’t like…I told her I could look for someone else in the area. This just irritated her. So I told her (tongue in cheek) that I would be happy to do her hair. That made her more upset. I do know better…

Spent rest of the day talking to folks about the deceased and working on Sunday’s service. Not too bad a day considering everything…

Family Meeting

Notes from Family Meeting on Wednesday 1/19/2011

To make things a bit easier on me with my job and other  responsibilities at home the following were discussed and approved.
1. I need a schedule I can rely on and need to be able to leave the house no later than 8AM most days- some days I must leave earlier.
2. In order to make sure that can happen, my Dad will set his alarm and make sure my Mom  is up at 7 AM so she can receive her pre-breakfast pills. If necessary, “after-breakfast-pills” can be taken later in the morning- just not on an empty stomach.
3. Appointments for Dad and Mom will be set up on Wed and Thu if possible and before 2:00 pm so my dear daughter(Dear One)  can take them to appointments.
4. One day a week (Tue-Thu) Dear One will start dinner.
5. On evenings The Boy (my son)  is home, he can give Mom medicines at bedtime so I can get to sleep earlier if I want/need to.
6. When my office door is closed- it means do not bother me unless it is a life threatening emergency. The same goes for the bathroom or bedroom.
7. If the door to my living room is closed and locked, it means privacy is needed and should be respected. Only life threatening emergencies should cause a disruption.
8. If Mom has computer problems, she can ask Dear One for help on Tue, Wed or Thu.
9. On days The Boy is home and my DH is working, he can fill humidifiers to free up DH’s time in the evening.
10. Medications for Dad will be left on the top shelf of the hutch to keep away from children who might be visiting.
11. The Boy can cook dinner one night a week.
12. Dad will continue to make salads.
13. Mom  will continue to set the table.
14. We will all put dirty our dishes in the dishwasher. Glasses, cups and silverware need to be washed in the dishwasher to help keep us healthy.
15. Adult Daycare will be tried for Mom
16. A monthly meeting time will be determined.